The funk has rolled in and settled around me. I have been in a haze of depression for over a month now, and I am very displeased. I sleep constantly, and when I’m not asleep, I’m pouring alcohol in the open sore of my face. My productivity at work has declined considerably, my contempt for my fellow Man has risen sharply, my temper is shorter, my conversations succinct, my patience thin. I have been incredibly introspective, which as a relative point of light, has allowed me to examine myself more closely and come to some somber if not illuminating conclusions:

1.  I am outrageously vain. I’ve suspected as much for quite some time, but it’s becoming more apparent. I want everyone around me to love me. Not appreciate, admire, or revere me; to love me. To cling to me desperately, to claw at me lasciviously, to yearn for me endlessly. I will do whatever it takes to ensure this inevitability, as well. I hold myself in very high regard, so much that I sicken myself. Because I have such a high-self opinion, because I genuinely believe I am worthwhile, altruistic, benign, intelligent, talented, passionate, attractive, and capable, I consider myself to be a man of infinite self-respect, bordering on narcissism. And why shouldn’t I? I’d wallowed in self-deprecation and low self-opinion for years, and at the time it was well-deserved. Now I lead a fulfilling and impressive life, and I built it with my own hands. I came from nothing, and now I have everything I could ever want, and no one to which I am indebted. I am amazing, and therefore narcissistic. And I hate narcissists. So, henceforth, do the math: I hate myself, because I love myself too much.

2.  I am hopelessly shallow. I surround myself with beautiful people and beautiful people only and I show no shame for it. I am an avid appreciator of beauty in all its forms, and I desire the finer things in life: art, music, literature. I sneer in disdain at that which disgusts me, and quite a lot disgusts me. I am an elitist.

3.  I am incredibly lonely. I’ve built a wall around myself from which to fine tune the machine that is me, the face that I project. I have closed myself off so that the disgusting and harmful cannot chip away at my perfect veneer, so that I will never drop my guard, diminish my performance. Because, remember, I want everyone to love me, so I’m constantly putting on a show, so no one who ever meets me really meets me. Since no one meets me, no one knows me, and therefore I am incredibly alone.

4.  I am, ostensibly, an awful, awful person.

And this is what I come face-to-face with when the day comes to a close, when those moments arise, ever so rarely, that I fall asleep, as opposed to the oft-scenario wherein I simply stop being awake.  I tuck warm and comforting linens to my chin and try to convince myself the world doesn’t matter for the time being, all the while remembering how I’d charmed, lied, and misdirected my countenance toward the whole cruel crusade.  I know, when the day concludes, what a vain, shallow, lonely, and awful person I am.  However, the one silver lining I can cling to is that I am not cruel.  You see, the concept of one who is vain and selfish will often coincide with those who are cruel, as diminishing those around can help to elevate one amongst the downtrodden.  However, I will never be that sort of person; for all my shortcomings, I refuse to find any superiority in standing upon those I might consider below me.  I’ve always heard the concept of “Vain, Selfish, and Cruel” and, trust me, I get it; but no matter how Vain or Selfish I’ll become, I doubt I’ll ever be cruel.  Even if, as I mentioned earlier, something/someone disgusts me, I would never tout my opinion as fact, or any kind of meter of one’s importance in the general ledger of humankind.  That’s not my job, and I’ll never assume it to be.  Whether I’m Kelley Osbourne on the Red Carpet or me on my terribly Selfish Onslaught of Internet Accountability, the voices you hear are just that: Voices.  You have the power to believe them or ignore them.  I choose you listen to yourself.