I whispered this mantra to myself as I lie in bed this afternoon:  I am more than merely a bottle of anger.  Beneath my skin there is more than just fire.  I can be a reasonable person.

I am miserable.  It’s one of those days when I want to just quit.  And I don’t mean my job.

Anger is a fire that consumes everything, and it feeds upon itself.  No one likes being angry, so being angry makes them angry, hence the compounding nature of anger.  And after (if) it subsides, no one is pleased with who they were when the anger took hold of them, so remorse sets in.

That’s been me, all day.  I am currently in the remorse state, and it is eating me alive.  I can’t eat, I have no energy; I just want to throw my hands up and start wailing.

But I can’t do that.  I’ve got a job to do, money to make, so I can pay bills that don’t go away and keep living a life that some days I don’t even want.

I want to disappear.

I’m the perfect villain because I believe I’m a good guy.  But I’m not.  I’m bad at loving, bad at caring, bad a being a human being.  I never lie, I always keep my word, and I remember almost everything.  I believe I am right most of the time.  These seemingly admirable qualities add up to a fierce and destructive individual that will burn the earth because he cares about only a handful of people.  I am the perfect villain, a brilliant monster.

Gentlemen, a word of advice: the affection of a woman, physical or emotional, is a gift.  It is not to be taken or taken for granted.

I want to break everything.

I can’t keep all of this to myself anymore.  I want to break down.  I had a mini panic attack the other day while driving home from work.  I thought about my insides bursting and then felt light-headed, and I was certain my brain was trying to will me into dying.  And I kind of wanted it.

I think I’m going to drive to PsyCare tomorrow and start interviewing therapists.  If I don’t have a meeting at work, that is.  That’s the worst part: I can’t be miserable, or sick, or depressed, or dying.  Life won’t let me!

“go back to sleep”