I am… concerned. My mother; my wonderful, insightful, empathetic, awesome mother – is concerning me.

She posted this picture to social media this morning, and I get it. I’ve seen similar postings from similarly-minded people encouraging our President to continue to fight to the best of his ability and place his strength in Christ. I don’t fault anyone for having faith in Christ and I shouldn’t fault anyone for wanting to believe that the President is working for them. He’s the only President we have and we should support him if we expect him to fulfill his duties with any modicum of success. I get it.

Except I don’t. “President” Trump is a buffoon, a charlatan, a walking piece of shit, and a bad, bad person. He is a demon that vilifies all who don’t praise him, he is a bully, and he is vile, cheap, petty, and shallow. He exemplifies the worst of us, and some people seem to think he is a saint; a divine gift from God to lead us.

I don’t misunderstand Trump supporters. As I said shortly after he was elected, I listened to the people who voted for them and sought to understand what they saw. I don’t AGREE, at all, but I understand. You want a fat piece of garbage that says what he’s thinking at all times, hates the environment, hates immigrants, values business over human life, and hates all religions other than what he calls Christianity. Got it. He’s your guy.

But he is no fucking saint.

If anyone should be crying in the arms of Christ right now it’s the rest of us, beseeching Him to answer “Why have you sent us this?”

I believe the President should be the best of us. Yes, the American Ideal is that anyone can be President, but shouldn’t it be someone who exemplifies Leadership? There’s a reason Gomer Pyle wasn’t in command, you guys.

My glorious mother has used social media to praise Trump, vilify immigrants and gays, and even espouse estrangement within the United States of gathered minorities and the poor. She’s expressed concern that there is too much voting power in Los Angeles because of the density of population there, and the question is why? Why are you scared of the Los Angelenos? Is it in the name? Is it the Mexican-heritage implied within? Why this division? It seems she sees the world as “us” and “them.”

I’m a heathen, a hedonist, and a pragmatist. I love everyone because I hate everyone. You’re all worthy of the same praise and the same ridicule. The law of probability states you’re just as entitled to all the good in life as you are all the grotesque. I don’t make the laws.

I don’t worship anyone. And therein lies the disconnect. When I first saw that image I was filled with white hot rage. I let it simmer and thought about it logically. I sought to understand. I tried to imagine if I looked at him in such a way, would it make sense? And that’s when it hit me:

I worship no one.

I used to have idols, but all of them failed. Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, Woody Allen, to name a few. Mankind will fail you. Similarly, God will fail you. Because even if He is real (He’s not, by the way), we could only ever understand Him as far as our tiny human minds can manage. And what we see is a world ravaged by virus, inequality, petty leaders, and unhappy people. It drives the thinking person to Nihilism. It’s the only thing that makes sense, and doesn’t disappoint.

I’m sorry to say this, but I believe in nothing. I care about nothing. I watched a TikTok last night where a young woman was sobbing because her father was in a position to contract the Coronavirus and she was so scared for him and wished she could see him. I felt bad for her as she was clearly upset but I could empathize. I just wanted to offer her a solution by way of asking “Have you considered not giving a shit?” It’s callous and awful but it’s true. I just don’t care.

Except I guess I do because I’m worried about my mom. Not her dying; Her continuing to spread this hate and indifference in our culture; her actively combatting her fellow humankind in the name of loving her God. Why should the worship of our Creator put her at odds with His creation?

If you came to my house every Sunday to bake me a pie, give me a foot massage, and punch my cat in the face, I’d have some confusion what your feelings about me actually were. That’s what she’s doing. She’s telling God every day that she loves Him and then spitting on His Children. I can’t understand it.

All I seek in this world is to understand. I can’t care so I have to understand what you care about. I can’t feel so I need to know what you’re feeling. And my brain can’t process this hypocrisy.

If you pray, go ahead and pray. Pray to God to help Trump lead, because we need leadership and God knows he needs help. Pray that this virus runs its course. Pray for all of us that we don’t lose the ones we love. That we feel represented in the countries we call home. That we feel seen. That we’re accepted. That we’re loved by those that love us, no matter what our Gods or leaders think of them. That we’re human enough to be enough for each other.

Love one another. Care for one another. Care about something.

Because not all of us can.