I am a man consumed. A passenger in a speeding cab on the Information Superhighway. In the cab the radio is tuned to a podcast; four or five excited voices vie for airtime. The driver is on his own diatribe, stabbing the air with a lit cigarette that never gets back to his mouth while he delivers a slam poem to the windshield. It’s all talk, talk, talk and I want out.

I have to talk to you today about love; what it might be, what it should be, and what it often is to those with depression and anxiety. i.e. – what it is to me.

“I’m working on a new song” is what I tell myself and others when there is a set of lyrics occupying all the space in my brain, but I think it’s really more of me trying to make sense of the words that I conjure. That’s certainly the case this go ’round.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Stars and Sarah McLachlan, which makes for a very specific headspace in which to explore the concept of love, and what I found is both beautiful and tremendously upsetting.

In the mornings lying next to you there should be someone
Who’ll kill themselves to make you happy; they’ll kill anyone.
In the winter they will keep you warm, in the summer keep you wet
They’ll rip out their own beating heart for your Last Christmas gift.

If I could I’d thank god that you’re here
And if I could I’d wish upon a star
If I could I’d whisper in your ear
“You should be happier than you are”

I don’t know how we failed you. Perhaps we didn’t try.
But we can make it up to you; we’ll set fire to the sky.
We’ll drain the oceans so your feet can take you where you see fit
And if you find a place you can do without we’ll scrub the Earth of it.
I’ll tear out my own tongue if I say something that makes you cry
and I’ll blacken both your eyes if you see something that you don’t like.

“You should be happier than you are.”

The concept is essentially the POV of a depressed person, A, looking at someone they claim to love, B, and needing them to be happy because that’s what A thinks love should be, and if B isn’t happy then what is A doing wrong? What more can A do, or in what way can A shape the world around B so that B is happy? If B’s loved, B’s happy, right? Otherwise, what is the purpose of love?

B’s happiness isn’t actually the goal for A, however, because A doesn’t intend for B to happy independent of A. A needs to be a catalyst for that happiness, because A needs to see B happy to believe in love, or validate A’s belief in what love means.

What I’m saying is, as a depressive, I have to see the people that I love happy, because i have to believe that love can make them happy, because I have to believe that love can make me happy. It’s unfair, it’s untenable, and it’s not the truth. But sometimes it’s what my mind makes me believe.

What love should be is the force that brings light to the world. It’s not a smile, or a laugh, or a content face resting without worry. It’s light. It’s belonging. It’s comfort in times of stress, safety in times of fear, strength in bouts of fragility.

What it is actually is often messy, often tearful, and often imperfect. And even then, in those instances, it is the force that brings light to the world.

I don’t know if the song will go darker or dip out towards the end. I hope to finish this song some time this year. I’ll keep you posted.