The Sad is not going away.  It is abating, at times, and even some happy is getting through the cracks on occasion, but the Sad is not done with me.

I’ve been very busy the past month.  January was excruciatingly long.  I would frame my thoughts and experiences but I honestly don’t know what to say.

I’m very agitated lately, and I find the pervasive thought in my head being one of “CALM THE FUCK DOWN!”  I have often found myself to be a man of minimal fears and stresses, and the exceptions to this state of being are often the residual flailings of those around me; the shrapnel of others’ concerns.  It’s not as though I don’t have my own issues that need resolution; I do.  I just choose not to blow them out of proportion, and to deal with them in a calm and orderly fashion.  I am a sprinter and a marksman, not a distance runner or sniper.  When something needs to be done, I do it, immediately.  I don’t let unresolved issues fester inside me and crystallize into cancer; I excise them forthwith.  I rarely treat anything short of a conflagration as a fire.  Many around me do not have this calm and even-handed view of the world and its tribulations.  They wail and gesticulate wildly, beating their brows and chests and wringing their hands at the insurmountable futility of it all.

While I softly walk across the room and turn the water on, then coolly turn to see the flames wither away and the smoke of precision and decisiveness fill the room in lieu of the screams of the overtaken.

But sometimes their exclamations are too loud, too passionate to speak over or reason to.  Sometimes they choke me out while crying themselves hoarse, and like napalm, their fear and weakness coat my form and sink into my skin.  It’s very upsetting.

JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN! please.

I have been retreating into music and books in the past weeks, and I’m totally okay with that.  I’m rediscovering some wonderful music that I’ve been neglecting (I will always be a faithful Marilyn Manson fan) and educating myself with more versatile literature choices.  I’m currently reading Sartre and Alarcon; good stuff.  I’ve considered writing more, but I’m collaborating with several other people on assorted projects and so my attention is a bit diverted.  Perhaps in late February.  (February is shaping up to be excruciatingly long, as well.)

I guess that’s it.