I am doing much better today. I broke down last night and cried. I needed it.

I left work and went to the bar and had three whiskeys in a short amount of time, then went home and poured myself another glass.

I haven’t had much of an appetite but I needed to try, to pretend, to lie to myself, to do something, anything, so I decided I’d make some macaroni and cheese, a constant comfort food of mine. I opened the box and found the appropriate pot to cook it in but the bottom of the pot was scratched and the teflon coating was flaking off. I slammed it on the counter, dejected, and decided I’d just watch some TV instead. I sat down on the couch and grabbed our cable remote and cued up an episode of “The Soup” I’d DVR’d but the select button has been wonky lately and it wasn’t working. That’s when I broke. Frustration swept into my depression and I just collapsed under the weight of it all, heaving tired sobs. Mer came out to try to calm me down and I just kept sobbing, saying “The world is broken” over and over again. I think I might have scared her a little a lot. I was wavering between a wailing depressive’s cries and a manic’s fascination with simple solutions, even going so far as to ask if I could break one of our chairs. She didn’t let me, and I think that’s for the best. I eventually descended into soaking wet apologies for being so broken, so useless, such a terrifying burden.

Despite the relatively frightening nature of it all, it did me a lot of good. I feel much better today, and so I drove to PsyCare to try to get myself a healer. While researching therapists covered under my healthcare plan, I noticed a great number of them were all in the same building, like a garden of magicians, so I figured I’d just drive up there and nab one. No.

A quick word about my concerns with PsyCare: on their website, they have a first-time patient special; a coupon for $10 off your first visit. A coupon!! Umm… does anybody else find this completely, utterly baffling?? Price breaks for the broken??

I walked into the office to find two receptionists behind glass. One greeted me and asked if I needed to check in for an appointment, and I said, “No, I’m a new… guest… customer… patient? I’m new.” She responded by handing me a card and circling a phone number on it (which was preceded by “To Cancel Only call”) and saying I should call and set up an appointment. I was too shocked or tired or something to risk a fight and explain “Hey, there are literally dozens of doctors behind those doors; I just want one. How many fucking crazy people can there be in San Diego?” so I just numbly accepted the card and walked out the door I’d come in.

I went back to my parked car and climbed in and called the number. A woman answered and asked “Can I help you?” and I responded “Yes, I need to talk to someone about my crippling depression.” My blunt directness tripped her up a bit, but she recovered and put me on hold to transfer me. I talked to a nice-sounding woman who pre-screened me with the usual questions: Are you concerned you have a substance addiction? Are you in danger of hurting yourself or others? Are you currently taking any medication for mental illness? Well, why the fuck not? You’re clearly crazy, or else you wouldn’t be calling me!

My personal favorite was when she asked “Are you in danger of being harmed by another person?” Ummm… I don’t… think so? Why? What have you heard?

Long story… long, I have an appointment to meet with a man whose name eludes me (but I recall it sounded rather severe) on Thursday at 9am. Seeing as how I don’t eat or sleep, shouldn’t be a problem being up that early or skipping breakfast. The lady asked me if I’d prefer a male or female therapist and I said I guess it didn’t matter, but in honesty I think I’d respond better to a woman, or open up more, anyway. I didn’t want to say it out loud, though. It seems strange to me to order a woman, like a footlong sandwich. “Lettuce, tomatoes, and breasts, please. Thank you.” I think I’d prefer the nurturing nature of femininity more, is all.

In any case, the path to healing has begun, my humor has returned a bit, and I am looking forward to a swift and tearful recovery…